The Journey Back

Wow. So it’s honestly been years since I’ve officially written a blog post and I’m actually really intimidated. Blogging has turned into this massive business where in my head I’m like.. wait, but can’t I just write about the things I do??? And is it okay if I write something without doing some type of massive show and tell and photodump* (do people still use that term or did the die along with livejournal??)? It’s just TOO much. I have no deep words of positive uplifting wisdom right now and no I’m not going to tell you what every single crystal can do for you. I’m just here to share this weird awkward glimpse into the things I find important/funny/amazing/wonderful/dumb and anything else I want to do but let me get started by saying this..

I remember when I first had a blog on blogger when I was 18 and I don’t even remember what it was called. Just kidding it totally it came to me as I wrote that. It definitely was called …era of the first discovery of Jeffery Campbell’s Lita shoe. How I DIED for that shoe and every ugly big gothic hat. Sea foam hair, all the band shirts, working at MAC.. it was all a disaster. I would post all the horrible items of clothing I’d bought.. like, no one CARED and those sweaters were from Forever21 so yeah.

It then turned into, actually wait, this could’ve been before running in wedges? I actually think it was. Me blogging/sad girl music listening/always having a polaroid camera. I swear I was one of the first people in the bay area that had a Fuji Instax because I had to buy it on eBay from Japan for like $300 in 2011 and now they’re at every Michael’s craft store and Urban Outfitters.

There’s been countless others. Then when I was in art school my MacBook crashed and I never wrote again. I didn’t feel like buying another MacBook plus anyone who knows me knows that I just can't do school. I’ve tried, I promise, maybe like 10 times and I just truly believe it’s not where I thrive or what I was supposed to do even though it probably would’ve made my life “easier” in the end if I picked something general like liberal arts.. and you also can’t be a graphic designer without a MacBook so that was that.

Fast forward four years later and it’s like I’m a completely different person because I am. At 29 I feel like I’m actually an adult, FINALLY. But by that I don’t mean that I have it all figured out and my life is nice and clean and I’m no longer struggling because trust me it’s the opposite of exactly all those things. I just mean that, I really FEEL older and it has nothing to do with turning 30 next year but just that I finally feel like I’m on the right path after filling so many molds of myself. Makeup Artist for 10 years, art student at the Academy of Art, graphic designer, wedding planner, calligrapher… and all the personal stuff that changes too. I feel like I’ve literally lived all over San Francisco, had my fill of Oakland, and a couple other places in the north bay. I just feel ready, like here it is.. your life, finally about to start because I’m ready now. I think I did the bulk of my learning and growing from 26 to 28.. obviously I’m still learning a lot about myself and the things around me but I went through a lot of personal monumental moments where I don’t even know how I came out on top or alive but I did(shrug emoji here).

It’s actually really interesting writing this out and thinking about, wow how DID I get here?? Poke & Plank?? What? Since I scratched the surface of my earlier 20s with that pathetic pilot here’s where I am now!

29, on my brand new shiny MacBook, still living in San Francisco but feeling like a brand new shiny almost woman. I’m almost there. I’m not saying that I lack womanly confidence I just have high standards and I know they have not been met by myself yet and as soon as I get the crack fixed in my iPhone screen I know I’ll feel 100x better.

Over the last three years I’ve been on a very soft fitness kick on and off. I remember my best friend Lauren told me about an ebook her friend Emily sent to her called BBG. This must have been in 2014. I saved it to my iBooks and that was that I probably didn’t look at it for 5 months. I lived in a studio at the time close to Napa and one day started doing it. Got to week three maybe and then.. nothing. Tried again maybe 6 months later and got to week two. During this time my commute to my full time job in the city was about an hour so fitting time in to workout wasn’t a huge priority between surviving and taking care of my dog at the time. Moved to Oakland.. tried it again maybe did week 1 AGAIN. Keep in mind that I was also eating trash and drinking gallons so health wasn’t really on my mind. Jump to April 2016, I was in an emotional roller coaster and started working out regularly with my friend Kane and it was the only thing really keeping me sane and it was the first time I made a conscious decision to get “healthy”. Maybe I’m being dramatic.. I wasn’t a sweaty unhealthy slob or anything and had already adopted some paleo recipes into my daily life but working out still wasn’t a priority. That early summer though I did get to week 6 right before my 28th birthday and I looked AMAZING and naturally after having one of the worst hang overs of my life I didn’t work out for another six months.

Okay, so we’re almost catching up to present time. Sometime earlier this year I became friends with an amazing and motivated women named Ceci who had also been on an up and down fitness journey. I casually asked her to meet me for a spin class at the gym we both went to by Lake Merritt, talked about our goals, BBG, and made a serious plan. We really made each other stick to our plan and it was the first time I actually GOT IT. The big IT. That it’s not about the outcome it’s about the process and it’s like I always knew that but never believed it. Ceci and I got to week 6 of BBG, and it’s a 12 week program for those of you who don’t know, and then life happened. I got mugged, almost got robbed by gun point, and this other crazy stuff and moved back to the city and GET READY FOR IT… Didn’t work out for four months.

So another fail but a bigger win. This was a big one for me and not only because I finally got passed week 2 but I made a wonderful friend and understood that working out and getting healthy isn’t about the end result bikini body it’s about the journey, the process, the community.

I was getting really into the foods I was eating, learning about what I didn’t want to eat, and how I wanted to live my life. HOWEVER, I was still drinking and partying a lot.

Now let me FINALLY wrap this up. If you’re still reading, WOW, I just CAN NOT BELIEVE IT. I started my poke and plank account on Instagram on my 29th birthday to keep myself accountable and because I was REALLY inspired by so many women in the bay and around the world that lived this amazing healthy lifestyles. I love watching their stories and reading and learning. It’s actually become quite an obsession. My partner and I are in a very healthy state of our relationship with working out together and I’ve never had that before(because I’m a hater but I’ll go into that another time). Don’t get me wrong, I DIE for my girls and women of fitness and my workout buddies but being able to go to the gym with someone you spend the most time with anyway has literally changed my life in every way. I can openly say that I’m a women that needs constant support. A lot of the people close to me shower me with compliments on how strong I am but if I feel unsupported even by the tiniest bit or embarrassed from the people I love like my family or partner I just want to crumble. So having him also being very into our new lifestyle carries me a long way. I’m currently on week 6 of BBG(Bikini Body Guide lol go figure) and I just know that I’m going to finish it and when I finish it I’m going to keep going!

In January I’m starting my program to become a health and wellness coach through the Institute of Integrated Design. Honestly though, who am I????! I have no idea but I’m really happy and excited and I also promise my posts won’t be this long all the time but I mean, I couldn’t just jump into it and be like HEY it’s me I’m super healthy and chic. Anyway, again, if you’ve gotten this far I just don’t even know, you’ll have to give me a high five for reading the whole thing. I hope anyone and everyone who wants to enjoys following me in this new direction that feels so right.

JourneyMadison4 Comments